Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize