Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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