my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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