I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it's like iHOP with fire
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
