How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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