the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
