A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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