the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
