Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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