I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
