you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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