hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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