i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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