I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
