You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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