yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
