he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
