I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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