I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
