the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize