I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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