please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
