Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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