Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Im part way to drunk.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
