It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
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