I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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