This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The Olympian is in my bed
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
