He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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