Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
