Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Randomize
