Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
