Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize