Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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