Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
