Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
