So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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