Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
