Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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