My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
