You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
