he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
