I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
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