Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
