I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
