I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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