In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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