I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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