u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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