I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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