i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
