Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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