Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
