I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
