she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
