i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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