I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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