Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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