Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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