u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize