I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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