im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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