p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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