he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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