My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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