when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize