This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
