some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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