Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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