They should really pass out barf bags in church
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
