i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
